What Our Marriage ACTUALLY Looked Like After Baby
Here is the honest truth - marriage and sex MAJORLY changes after baby. Right, I mean I knew this - I can't be the only pregnant woman up at 2:00 AM Googling, “What will sex feel like after birth?” (spoiler - it feels fine, don't freak yourself out).
While the act itself felt deliciously dandy, it didn't happen very often... like at all. Even worse? My husband and I began literally acting as roommates. Let me paint the picture.
We were parenting and adulting SO well together. Laundry? Check! Electric bill? Check! Win, Win, WIN! But what we didn't realize was that our emotional and physical connection was pretty much non-existent. When we chatted it was about the baby or logistics and other than that I found us spending our evenings watching TV or going to bed at different times. It doesn't take a detective to realize that we also weren't having tons of sex...
Now I am normally a chatter - like I call my best friend and tell her about the new pair of shoes I just bought chatter, but when it came to how distant my marriage had become after my son was born? Yeah, I wasn't chatting with ANYONE about that. Mostly because I was embarrassed. I mean, we had to be the only ones!! The shame!
I remember the night so clearly, the night we lay in bed both crying, realizing neither of us were happy and that we ultimately wouldn't end up together unless something changed. This is what I call rock bottom - and it is worth noting I am EXTREMELY glad we fell there.
Here is why:
We actually made changes! And it was awkward as hell...
Operation get our marriage back #1: Turn of the tech in the evening.
Result: more time to talk- but...we didn't have much to talk about...at first! (crickets)
Operation get our marriage back #2: Have sex once a week.
Result: Failed miserably, until we put it on the calendar
Operation get our marriage back #3: Don't talk about our child between 8pm-10pm
Result: A realization from BOTH of us that we had misplaced our identities to parenthood.
The other thing I did? Opened up to a girlfriend about what was going on... she has two young kids and responded, "Yeah, we have been working on this for years. All the same things happened to us." WHAT?? You mean to tell me that marriage after baby sucks for everyone?? And NO ONE talks about it?? So here I am. A mom of 1 with another on the way saying MY MARRIAGE SUCKED AFTER I HAD MY SON and it didn't get better until we actively worked on it!
I want to give you all a happy ending. Hubs and I are genuinely happier than ever - so much so that we decided to do the whole shabang again (hello 2 under 2). But I want you to know that while being in the glorified roommate cycle is NORMAL and COMMON after having a baby - it is not NORMAL or COMMON to stay there for more than 3 months. You should be talking about adult things, you should be having sex, you should be turning on the TV!
If you stuck feeling like a roommate with your hubs then start working on your marriage NOW, TODAY because let me tell you, your relationship is beyond worth it momma! Stuck wondering what is normal during this transition or when/if to seek help? I am breaking it down for you!
Here are the top 8 signs to seek professional help in your relationship:
If you are currently rocking 5 or more, I would highly encourage you to start exploring your options for support.
If all you do is bury yourself in technology when you and your partner are around each other.
Having sex less than once a week. Studies show that having sex MORE than once a week doesn’t make your marriage better- but less and marital satisfaction plummets~
If you are scared of bringing certain topics up for fear that there will be conflict.
Negative communication- meaning one or both parties not feeling seen, heard, or valued. This type of communication can cause people to withdraw from conversation.
When it feels like you aren’t on the same team anymore.
When one or more person is financially unfaithful. What does this mean? Well, it can be when couples keep financial secrets from another OR when one person is “in-charge” of the money.
When you are living separate lives. I like to call this one, glorified roommates! If the only things connecting you and hubs are your children, bills, and chores- you are living separate lives!
If you keep having the same arguments over and over and over again. Constantly bickering about money, laundry, or dirty diapers? This could be a sign of a heck-of-a-lot of resentment somewhere within the relationship dynamic.
PHEW! So how did you do? If you are a person in a relationship with a child or children, I am willing to bet that at least two of these struck a chord. Make note of them, communicate about them, and actively work on remedying them.
If five or more feel a little to close for comfort, don’t be ashamed, but be action oriented! I offer free sessions for new mommas! Literally a 50 minute chat about your unique situation. This one is a no-brainer!
Book your free session here. Once you click the link you’ll have access to my calendar. Pick a date and time that works for you and then answer the 4 intro questions. That’s it!